Who Am I?
So many spend their entire lives trying to answer this question. Who am I and what am I here for.
I spent many years trying to figure this question out for myself. Shedding the exterior person I allowed the world to see was humbling, painful, yet liberating all at the same time.
I was a shy, almost scary little girl who found a safe place as the middle child in a family of three never once stepping outside of character growing up in Cleveland. Growing up in a middle class, blue collar family was easy, as I never had much to do in terms of creating my own space. It was all done for me. My father was the breadwinner and my mother was fortunate enough to be able to be a homemaker. I believe I was almost 13 years old before my mother became a full time employee in the workforce. I say that to say this. I always had a voice of instruction and direction growing up. I can't remember too well coming in from school and not having my mom home. Rules I had to follow. Expectations and reason was the foundation for which I was reared. Growing up, I understood the basics about going to church, and I had a rich understanding that God was central in my upraising. My grandmother's presence was in my life, even though she lived miles away in another state, I had the privilege of having the love of not only a mother, but a grandmother. Rich legacies and stories I was told growing up, and even as I think back now on them, I have a fondness in my spirit. A longing to never,ever forget the things my people shared with me about their lives, their history. They taught me about family, about the struggle, and most importantly, they taught me of faith. Faith to believe, faith to trust and the faith to do them both in God. You see, we all can have faith. Faith simply means we have a strong hope in something, but my grandmother, my mother, my people...they helped me to channel that hope and trust in God. God almighty. To this day, and through it all, I've learned to trust in God.
Life was relatively simple then. I follow the rules and my life would fall in place, so I thought.
I never stepped outside of character to do anything that would be considered unacceptable in my mother's eyes, I was a 'good girl'. While being a 'good girl', I suppose there was always an urge in me to want to experience other things. I could look around me and see my peers able to do things and go places I wasn't permitted to go, and I suppose the idea that I was 'missing something' disturbed me. Nevertheless, I kept my mouth closed and went along with the program.
I did that all too well until I began to stretch my person a little more as I stepped into young adulthood. Living the sheltered life of a suburbanite who only really saw other people who looked like me, and lived like me; I was completely overwhelmed when I discovered that there was another world outside of my close knit community. A world that existed not far from me in demographics, but far in social status and lifestyles.
Rarely did I see people who didn't have a mother AND a father in the home. It was uncommon for me to live in an apartment, as I'd always lived in a home and had always had access to cars, plenty of food and new clothes whenever I needed them. There was abundance, not lack. My father worked long, hard, hours in the steel mills, and at that time, those workers were paid very, very well. And let me take this time to honor and recognize him for his labor. My dad worked tirelessly to support and take care of his wife and children. A responsibility so few men will honor today; however, he did it without complaining. My mom was working by this time too, so truly, my needs and my wants as well, were satisfied.
Even with all of these blessings I took for granted,my curiosity for how the other half lived was enticing. I longed to know what it felt like to be able freely come and go as I pleased with no one to answer to. Through my virgin eyes, I wondered what it was like to be able to come home after school and have boys over and your girls over to 'chill'. I saw the 'cool kids' smoking and some drinking and participating in other activities and while I didn't have a place in that set, I witnessed the lifestyle all around me. My older sister was a part of that world, so I was able to see the realities of it all in a more pure way, and I swore I'd never be 'like that'. My plans were to go to college, graduate and to live a fabulously, enriching, make my mama proud life, but it didn't work out that way.
I'd been home from college about one year when I began to become intertwined into a world of drugs,nightlife and illicit behavior.I suppose in some sick way, I was trying to find myself, but my desire to 'fit in' only fueled the negative attractions I had for that world that ate me up and spit me back out.
While a portion of my close friends remained the same, a new and different breed entered in. This new set of 'friends' helped to expose my shallow and uneducated mind to a new and seemingly exciting world of living the life. Fast cars, lots of people who seemed to be in the know and plenty of 'party favors' were the order of the day. No real job, nobody to really answer to because I'm' grown' now, and yet still, the same little girl is inside trying to figure out 'where do I fit in all this madness'.
Life in this manner raged on in a spiral of up's and down's for a span of about 15 years. During the course of that time, I'd lost some friends, lots of money and the most humbling thing I'd lost was my dream to succeed. My self respect was in the gutter and the fire that once burned within, seemed to have flickered to an all time low. The future I'd once envisioned I could have appeared to be dead, and I no longer felt connected to the place that once seemed so familiar to me. I'd lost my hope.
Who am I? That question remained with me...even as I walked through the valley of the shadow of doubt. That question presented itself to me-over and over again. I remembered who my mother told me I was. My childhood memories were still able to bring a smile to me and could always stir me up, but the bruises and the knicks and cuts from the world told me otherwise. Little did I know that the valley experiences, for which I felt so much pain from, were defining and shaping who I was. Who I AM.
You see, I began to understand and to realize, the person who was experiencing all the pain, the suffering, the remorse..she was being shaped and formed. Someone who once had so little understanding about 'the other half' was now learning how to 'live' life. She was coming to terms with the humbling experience of having to do without and of how to 'ask' for help. My inner person was being shown how to feel, how to love, how to be alone, how to admit failure and yet press forward; how to be inspired and purposeful and how to have a personal relationship with God. The shell I'd lived in for years, I at last learned how to love and appreciate just as I was. Those experiences, the failures and the pitfalls helped me to become more sensitive to others and they, more importantly, are responsible for leading me to the full and complete understanding that I am a spirit being, loved by a God-the only wise God; Who with precise definition created me to BE here at this time and in this place, spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally. Created with purpose and destiny-complete in Him, lacking nothing. Able to look on ALL that has happened with appreciation realizing that He has allowed all things to be that He might be glorified in them. And so HE IS in my life.
I am without a doubt certain that the person I am is ever developing into a more richer, more loving, more sensitive, more purposeful woman with so many gifts and strengths.
With each day, I pray that I will continue to love who I am, and who God has called me to be; walking in harmony with His will and His plan. Not bucking against it, but willingly embracing the person I am.
Grateful I am for the wonderful examples I have in my life, and for those who have gone on. My beloved mother has gone to sleep, but her presence is felt often. Her teachings, her smile, her strength....it will always resonate with me. My father...his conviction, his laboring spirit, his loyalty to his family..I learn so much from my parents. My sister, while four years apart in age, she and I embody our mother in looks. We each carry our own stick. My brother, his quietness, his ability to remember every little thing..I smile as I type and think of how well he can remember the year it was when a particular event comes to mind.
They are my people. My family, my connections to my past.
It is such a blessing to be able to share these things and to have no regret about where my life has taken me and from whence I've come. The tenacity, the fortitude, the victory!
It was all necessary to help 'make' me who I Am.
Selah
So many spend their entire lives trying to answer this question. Who am I and what am I here for.
I spent many years trying to figure this question out for myself. Shedding the exterior person I allowed the world to see was humbling, painful, yet liberating all at the same time.
I was a shy, almost scary little girl who found a safe place as the middle child in a family of three never once stepping outside of character growing up in Cleveland. Growing up in a middle class, blue collar family was easy, as I never had much to do in terms of creating my own space. It was all done for me. My father was the breadwinner and my mother was fortunate enough to be able to be a homemaker. I believe I was almost 13 years old before my mother became a full time employee in the workforce. I say that to say this. I always had a voice of instruction and direction growing up. I can't remember too well coming in from school and not having my mom home. Rules I had to follow. Expectations and reason was the foundation for which I was reared. Growing up, I understood the basics about going to church, and I had a rich understanding that God was central in my upraising. My grandmother's presence was in my life, even though she lived miles away in another state, I had the privilege of having the love of not only a mother, but a grandmother. Rich legacies and stories I was told growing up, and even as I think back now on them, I have a fondness in my spirit. A longing to never,ever forget the things my people shared with me about their lives, their history. They taught me about family, about the struggle, and most importantly, they taught me of faith. Faith to believe, faith to trust and the faith to do them both in God. You see, we all can have faith. Faith simply means we have a strong hope in something, but my grandmother, my mother, my people...they helped me to channel that hope and trust in God. God almighty. To this day, and through it all, I've learned to trust in God.
Life was relatively simple then. I follow the rules and my life would fall in place, so I thought.
I never stepped outside of character to do anything that would be considered unacceptable in my mother's eyes, I was a 'good girl'. While being a 'good girl', I suppose there was always an urge in me to want to experience other things. I could look around me and see my peers able to do things and go places I wasn't permitted to go, and I suppose the idea that I was 'missing something' disturbed me. Nevertheless, I kept my mouth closed and went along with the program.
I did that all too well until I began to stretch my person a little more as I stepped into young adulthood. Living the sheltered life of a suburbanite who only really saw other people who looked like me, and lived like me; I was completely overwhelmed when I discovered that there was another world outside of my close knit community. A world that existed not far from me in demographics, but far in social status and lifestyles.
Rarely did I see people who didn't have a mother AND a father in the home. It was uncommon for me to live in an apartment, as I'd always lived in a home and had always had access to cars, plenty of food and new clothes whenever I needed them. There was abundance, not lack. My father worked long, hard, hours in the steel mills, and at that time, those workers were paid very, very well. And let me take this time to honor and recognize him for his labor. My dad worked tirelessly to support and take care of his wife and children. A responsibility so few men will honor today; however, he did it without complaining. My mom was working by this time too, so truly, my needs and my wants as well, were satisfied.
Even with all of these blessings I took for granted,my curiosity for how the other half lived was enticing. I longed to know what it felt like to be able freely come and go as I pleased with no one to answer to. Through my virgin eyes, I wondered what it was like to be able to come home after school and have boys over and your girls over to 'chill'. I saw the 'cool kids' smoking and some drinking and participating in other activities and while I didn't have a place in that set, I witnessed the lifestyle all around me. My older sister was a part of that world, so I was able to see the realities of it all in a more pure way, and I swore I'd never be 'like that'. My plans were to go to college, graduate and to live a fabulously, enriching, make my mama proud life, but it didn't work out that way.
I'd been home from college about one year when I began to become intertwined into a world of drugs,nightlife and illicit behavior.I suppose in some sick way, I was trying to find myself, but my desire to 'fit in' only fueled the negative attractions I had for that world that ate me up and spit me back out.
While a portion of my close friends remained the same, a new and different breed entered in. This new set of 'friends' helped to expose my shallow and uneducated mind to a new and seemingly exciting world of living the life. Fast cars, lots of people who seemed to be in the know and plenty of 'party favors' were the order of the day. No real job, nobody to really answer to because I'm' grown' now, and yet still, the same little girl is inside trying to figure out 'where do I fit in all this madness'.
Life in this manner raged on in a spiral of up's and down's for a span of about 15 years. During the course of that time, I'd lost some friends, lots of money and the most humbling thing I'd lost was my dream to succeed. My self respect was in the gutter and the fire that once burned within, seemed to have flickered to an all time low. The future I'd once envisioned I could have appeared to be dead, and I no longer felt connected to the place that once seemed so familiar to me. I'd lost my hope.
Who am I? That question remained with me...even as I walked through the valley of the shadow of doubt. That question presented itself to me-over and over again. I remembered who my mother told me I was. My childhood memories were still able to bring a smile to me and could always stir me up, but the bruises and the knicks and cuts from the world told me otherwise. Little did I know that the valley experiences, for which I felt so much pain from, were defining and shaping who I was. Who I AM.
You see, I began to understand and to realize, the person who was experiencing all the pain, the suffering, the remorse..she was being shaped and formed. Someone who once had so little understanding about 'the other half' was now learning how to 'live' life. She was coming to terms with the humbling experience of having to do without and of how to 'ask' for help. My inner person was being shown how to feel, how to love, how to be alone, how to admit failure and yet press forward; how to be inspired and purposeful and how to have a personal relationship with God. The shell I'd lived in for years, I at last learned how to love and appreciate just as I was. Those experiences, the failures and the pitfalls helped me to become more sensitive to others and they, more importantly, are responsible for leading me to the full and complete understanding that I am a spirit being, loved by a God-the only wise God; Who with precise definition created me to BE here at this time and in this place, spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally. Created with purpose and destiny-complete in Him, lacking nothing. Able to look on ALL that has happened with appreciation realizing that He has allowed all things to be that He might be glorified in them. And so HE IS in my life.
I am without a doubt certain that the person I am is ever developing into a more richer, more loving, more sensitive, more purposeful woman with so many gifts and strengths.With each day, I pray that I will continue to love who I am, and who God has called me to be; walking in harmony with His will and His plan. Not bucking against it, but willingly embracing the person I am.
Grateful I am for the wonderful examples I have in my life, and for those who have gone on. My beloved mother has gone to sleep, but her presence is felt often. Her teachings, her smile, her strength....it will always resonate with me. My father...his conviction, his laboring spirit, his loyalty to his family..I learn so much from my parents. My sister, while four years apart in age, she and I embody our mother in looks. We each carry our own stick. My brother, his quietness, his ability to remember every little thing..I smile as I type and think of how well he can remember the year it was when a particular event comes to mind.
They are my people. My family, my connections to my past.
It is such a blessing to be able to share these things and to have no regret about where my life has taken me and from whence I've come. The tenacity, the fortitude, the victory!
It was all necessary to help 'make' me who I Am.
Selah
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